Really Bad Week

Warning: This post is for me. Things I need to say - things I need to "get out". It most likely won't be uplifting in anyway. Read it if you want I'm putting it out there after all (you may not want to read this right now if you just ate, are eating, or plan on eating soon),  - but you've been warned.

My week started out with both little girls getting sick - upset tummies to put it nicely, and it went downhill from there, taking a nose dive at the end. It just wasn't easy to find any good.

Dan had to go on a bear of a trip to California this week. He left home about 4:30am Wednesday morning, flew to Oakland, taught a class, flew back to Sea-Tac (Seattle's main airport), switched out his bags, flew to Burbank (Los Angles). He had meetings all day Thursday and flew back home Thursday evening. I felt bad for him and the traveling that he had to do. That was until the girls didn't get any better, they got worse.

Kassie woke up on Wednesday crying "Daddy help me I'm poopy", well that was an understatement. She had gotten out of bed, gone to her door when she had a serious bout of diarrhea. It was NASTY - shot up the wall, ran down her legs (puddling in the carpet) - it was DISGUSTING!!!! I carried her at arms length and plopped her in the tub, stripped her down & let her "play in the water" (shower) while I cleaned up the mess. After the mess in her room was cleaned up I went and scrubbed her down, got her dressed, cleaned up the tub & all that. In the mean time Maddie had been sitting in her chair eating her breakfast - when we got downstairs I found poo dripping from her chair. She had the same problem as Kassie & I had another huge repulsive mess on my hands. Repeat red text above, after which I completely scoured her chair & the surrounding area. With  all the messes finally all cleaned up & my own clothes changed multiple times I was more than ready to be done with my day & it wasn't even 10am.

So when Dan called to tell me he was "bouncing back into town" I told him "try to miss the puddles of shit" - yea I was THAT grumpy. It seems that the kids always get sickest when he's out of town, I'm sure it's just me, but it really does seem that way.

Just before Dan pulled in the garage Thursday night (about 9:30pm), as I was trying to get Maddie to bed & Abbie just came in and asked me if she could use my bathroom that she felt like she was going to throw up. Gee great! Just a few minutes later Dan pulled in & I sent Abbie down to get some tummy medicine from dad - she did, then she threw up 4 times. Needless to say she stayed home from school on Friday. She ran a low grade fever Friday morning but by Saturday morning felt like herself all over again.

So what's my reason for sharing all this? I have a reason, a really good reason. Lately I've found myself struggling with some things (personal to me) - been in a funk so to speak, but you see there is always a "worse". I've been trying to be grateful that my challenges are challenges that I can handle - maybe on my knees (mostly on my knees) but they are "do-able" and not "worse". Again, there is always a "worse". Look around - it's not hard to find some one with whom you wouldn't want to change places with - their challenges are more than you could bear. So humbly we try to tackle that which has been given to us.

Saturday I got a call from my mom - it was worse.
She had a hard time getting out the words "EJ died".
In utter shock I could only reply "what?!"

You see, EJ was my cousin - 11 years younger than me. He would have turned 29 this year. Saturday he took his life. I don't know what was going on in his life - it's not like we were that close growing up, or that we've kept in touch, we really haven't. But it doesn't change the fact that our family has been shaken to the core. EJ was a star athlete in HS, a missionary for our church, a college athelete & graduate, married to a beatiful girl and father to 2 small adorable boys - it seemed he had it all. His family's world has crumbled, and I just don't understand. We have a pretty close family (extended) and I know there hearts that are hurting from coast to coast as much as mine is right now (and some even more) all because we don't understand. What changed? What was going on? How did none of us know? Why didn't he reach out to someone? Anyone! I'm mad at him for leaving his family like this - my head tells me he knew better. My heart says something's wrong - this isn't the EJ I knew. The one with the super perma grin that lit up the room, the contagious laugh, the loving arm he always threw around your shoulder. Something happened. I don't know what, I most likely never will. Part of me wants to understand thinking that if I understand it won't hurt so much, part of me knows "understanding", if that were even possible, won't change anything. Not right now, not anytime soon, maybe never.

 This is EJ with his wife & little boy the last time I saw him.

At a family reunion 2 years ago this summer.

 EJ with his boys.

EJ with his family.

I feel like I need to say I'm sorry to EJ, that we are all sorry. We wish we knew, we wish we could have helped, we wish you didn't feel like this was what you needed to do. We all loved you, would have done anything for you, but it's too late to say that, too late for anything. So we cry & we pray for EJ's wife, his boys, his parents, his grandparents they are all utterly devastated right now & all of us who knew him/his family are grieving this loss - wishing things different - knowing they are not.

Weeks like this make it hard to focus on things we are grateful for. Weeks like this beat us down until we wonder if it's worth getting up again. It is. We may loose sight of the good things in our lives, the stress, the challenges, the heartache is so in our face that it's hard to see beyond it. We have to fight for the good in our lives, fight for those we love & who love us! 

And if ever you loose your will to fight or think the battle's just not worth it anymore - find one last bit of strength and call out for help (CALL ME), ask for a hand to hold, tie a knot in your rope and hold on. Please hold on! 

And if you find yourself in a good place - keep your eyes open for those who might need your hand. Reach out to those who you feel prompted/inspired to reach out to. Don't delay. 

Lastly, a quote I was given once as a speaking topic "Me lift thee, and the lift me, and we will ascend together". I hope that we can always strive to lift those around us, for we just never know.

I love you EJ & I'm sorry!